Women's
relationships today follow
a very
predictable
pattern:
-
They
push men
for commitment
-
They get what they want
-
They
lose interest
in sex
-
They
become attracted to someone else
-
They
start cheating
-
They become angry
and resentful
-
They begin telling their partners that they need time apart
-
They blame their partners for
their behavior...and
eventually, after making
themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but
usually, long
period of time,
they
end their relationships or marriages.
If you're a male, like most
other males, you would probably never suspect
that your partner is cheating, not only because of your wife’s or girlfriend’s
seeming disinterest in sex; but also because you have
the belief that your wife or girlfriend is a “good
girl.” Unfortunately, males are frequently left/divorced by
their wives and girlfriends without ever knowing about their wives'
and girlfriends' infidelities.
If
you’re
a female, like most other
females, prior to cheating
on your partner you always
proclaimed yourself to be "not the type"
who would ever cheat. However, also like most other
females, after they have cheated,
you're shocked and appalled by your behavior;
but at the same time
you can't stop cheating.
Women's relationships
and marriages will continue to follow this same pattern unless we develop
an accurate understanding of females ─
particularly in regard to their sexuality. In fact, after
researching
women's sexuality for more than
ten years, I can honestly say that most of our
societal beliefs about females are
grossly distorted and many are completely erroneous.
The media has finally begun to acknowledge, albeit to
a small degree,
the widespread problem of female infidelity.
Recently, several books and articles have
attempted to explain
why
women are now cheating as much as men. However, none were successful in their
attempt. All of them
left out very important pieces to this extremely complicated puzzle.
I believe the majority were
simply unable to find all of the information
necessary to figure out the problem. Although,
I'm certain that some were just afraid to disclose certain
key pieces of information because the truth, quite frankly, is so contrary to
our current beliefs. Unfortunately, without these
missing pieces, it's impossible to understand,
and to subsequently fix, the real problem occurring in
relationships today.
My story:
Shortly after my 27th birthday, I began to feel very
different. I had been happily married for 4 years and then, suddenly out
of nowhere, I began feeling bored and unhappy. In an attempt to figure out
what was causing my unhappiness, I looked for answers in books, tried to talk to my
Mother and eventually went to see a psychologist. All of the
information I received attributed the way I was feeling to my husband,
and similar to the majority of women, I began to view my husband as the culprit
too.
Currently, women are
initiating 70 - 75% of all divorces
Later, through my own research, I discovered that what I was
experiencing was quite normal. In fact, women are the most likely to
divorce in their late twenties and thirties after an average of 4 years of
marriage. During this time, it's quite common
for women to experience a pre-midlife crisis, which is similar to the male
midlife crisis, only with an important difference - a difference that can
actually make women more likely to cheat than men.
The "stages"
that women often experience during the course
of their long-term relationships
Several
years into my research I was able to identify distinctive patterns and
behaviors in the women I interviewed.
I categorized these into four separate “stages”
that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships.
The stages begin with a loss of sexual desire.
Stage 1
Women at Stage 1 feel as
though something is missing in their lives. They have
all the things that they wanted—a home, a
family, a great husband—but they feel they should be
happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose
interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend
a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their
husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual
encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and
often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as
their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to
the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim
they feel violated when their husbands touch them.
Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a
sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel
as though there is something wrong with them,
that they are in some way defective. They
are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will
cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.
Stage 2
Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire
stimulated by an encounter outside the marital
relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man
involves sex or remain platonic,
women will typically give a tremendous amount of
emotional significance to these
encounters.
Many
women in this stage haven't felt
any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and
regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are
sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to
experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try
to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are
everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of
infidelity arises, whether in the media, in
conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands.
Women in this stage can no longer express their prior
disdain for infidelity without feeling like a
hypocrite. They feel as though they have
lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are
either “good” or “bad,” women will question their
“good girl” status and feel that they might not be
deserving of their husbands. Many will try
to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative
of their husbands. However, over time many women will
move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued
desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these
desires to needs that are not being met in their
marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women
will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and
their marriages and it is not uncommon for an
extramarital affair to follow.
Stage 3
Women at Stage 3 are
involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce.
Women who are having affairs
experience feelings unlike anything they
have experienced before. They feel “alive”
again and many believe they have found their soul
mates. These women are experiencing feelings
associated with a chemically altered state, or what is
typically referred to as being in love.
These women are also
typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands
and their new love interests. They typically believe
that what they are doing is
wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable
to end their affairs. Many often try
several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will
vow that it will be the last
time, but they are unable to stick with their
decisions.
Unable to end their extramarital relationships,
women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers
are soul mates because they are unaware
that they have become addicted to the high caused by
chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a
state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?”
this is the question continuously on the
minds of women at Stage 3 - it is also common for
women at this stage to attempt to initiate a
separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will
launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive,
spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of
women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at
Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.
The reason many women will
give for their desire to separate
is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands
that they might be able to save their marriage if they
can just have time to themselves. They tell their
husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving
their current situation. Women
at this stage want to free themselves of the
restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think
that eventually their confusion will disappear.
They think they will
eventually know with certainty whether they
want to stay married or get divorced and be with their
lovers. Separation allows
women at this stage, to enjoy the high
they experience with their lovers
without giving up the security of their
marriages. Husbands of Stage 3
women are often unaware that their wives are
having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically
due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their
belief that their wife is a “good girl.”
Women at Stage 3 may also be
experiencing the ending of an extramarital
affair, and the ending may not have
been their decision. They may have been
involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could
not progress or who became attracted to
another women who was
single. Women whose affairs are
ending often experience extreme grief.
They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward
their husbands. They are typically unaware that they
are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden
changes in their brain chemistry.
As a result, many will feel that they have
missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.
Believing they have become more aware of what they
want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often
place the utmost importance on finding a "new"
relationship that will give
them the feeling they experienced in their affairs.
A new relationship with a new partner
will also represent a clean slate, a chance
for these women to regain their “good girl” status.
Some women will search for new partners during their
separations. Others will return to their marriages,
but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some
women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their
husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage
until they make a decision. Although
they are often not sexually attracted to their
husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they
suspect their husbands are unfaithful,
are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands
show signs of moving on.
Stage 4
The women in stage four
included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those
who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that
marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some
thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave
their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their
feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with
their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs
with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely
without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.
The women who chose divorce
and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed
relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many
of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new
marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past
experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having
hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar
feelings in the new relationship.
Female infidelity
will not only continue to be extremely common but it will also continue to be on
the rise
Women are cheating and relationships are ending because men and women lack
necessary
information. Today's
relationship problems are not only solvable, but many can be easily solved
─
once you understand what the real problem is.
The information in Women's
Infidelity should be common knowledge to couples, both married and unmarried,
and to dating males and females. Trying to have a
relationship today without the information
in this book is like to trying to read without knowing
the letters of the alphabet. This is not an exaggeration
─
it's
a fact.
Reviews and Letters from Readers
"I have been reading
your book all week and have found it to be completely insightful and clarifying. I have been
married for 7 years and have a 3 year old at home. I have not engaged in
an
affair but over but over the last few months have definitely considered
looking for it...Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I feel clearer
now than I have for a long time. I know my whole family is going
to benefit from this information."
Katie Little
"...chapter [2], alone, is worth the US cover
price...what is here is impressive..."
Donna Dillman,
GRIP Magazine
"I just happened across your website today and what I've found is truly
enlightening.
As a psychologist I did have occasion to study marriage and marriage counseling
to some degree but my primary interest has always been in working with children
and adolescents. Clearly there is a
significant absence of information such
as yours being disseminated to graduating psychologists in training. Having been
down the marital breakup path, I can also clearly attest to the accuracy of your
conclusions...I do thank-you for writing such an
insightful and informative book and will share it with my numerous friends who
are currently experiencing similar marital challenges, as well as some of my
professional colleagues who are more directly involved in working with couples..."
Dr.
D
I wish to
congratulate you...yours is by far the most
razor-sharp study of female infidelity ever done. Ever. And that’s not
hyperbole...
Richard James
"I can’t thank you enough for
publishing your book, which I downloaded and last night read cover to cover
until 2:30am. What struck me was that many times in
the book, you described my wife’s behavior – right on down to verbatim quotes – and mine in frighteningly accurate detail.
I have a better understanding of what has happened. Her
relationship did not get physical, but it would have eventually, I’m sure.
Understanding why is a huge part of forgiving her...I’ve made more progress with your book in a few hours than we have with a
therapist in 6 weeks. With any luck, you may have been a major factor in saving
our marriage. Thank you, thank you, thank
you."
A loving, and... less confused, husband
"I just read your book cover to cover. Two
sittings... much of it with... my wife. We can never thank you enough. I
believe it was key to saving our marriage."
Keith Vaughn
Before reading your book, I had been living in limbo
for almost two years. I was so confused and I felt like I was going crazy. I
even went to a psychologist to try and figure out what was wrong
with me. I had just about given up all hope and then I heard you on the radio
talking about
your book. Thank you so much for writing this book. For the first
time in a long time I finally feel like I'm getting back to normal again."
Justine Pace
"I heard you on the
radio and I
thought you may have some answers for me since I had just caught my wife
cheating. I was wondering why this was happening so I ordered your
book. I received your book the other day and read it cover to cover. I was amazed. It seemed to be written about
my marriage."
Tom Brickner, Los
Angeles
"Women's Infidelity is a MUST read for
EVERY heterosexual male and female. Both
are at a disadvantage in their relationships without having this information."
Thomas Astor, New York
