Dating - Parents And The Church

The following was taken from messages given by Chuck Debelak in Anaheim, California, March 1998.

Everyone must seek the Lord concerning their own situation

     One principle we want to make clear right away is that you cannot apply what one family does compared to what another family does.  Every child and every parent and every atmosphere in every home is totally different.  Therefore, every parent must seek the Lord for what to do with his/her child concerning dating and marriage.

The church cannot go beyond what the parents teach their children at home

     No matter what the work does in the church, it cannot go beyond what is done in the family life at home.  The church life may be a Friday night meeting for one and half hours.  Then, on Sunday morning there is a meeting for a couple of hours.  But very seldom can sharing by serving saints change a child.  Occasionally some boy or girl will listen and for some reason, what serving ones say to them clicks, and despite what is going on at home they make certain kinds of healthy decisions.  They may decide not to date until they are ready to marry.  However, this is the exception to the rule and is generally not the case.  For the most part, the work of the saints in the church must compliment and supplement the family life in the home.  This strengthens what the family is doing.  In other words, a serving brother or sister can say something in a meeting in a way that the parents may not be able to speak around the dinner table or during a specific time of parent with child.  However, the meetings afford a larger setting so we can address certain matters and bring up specific matters.  This becomes more of a supplement to the young person's development.  If they are not hearing comparable things in the home, then, the children have no foundation laid for them to fit the information that the church saints speak about.  It doesn't make any sense to them because they watch how their friends in school date and have relationships with the opposite gender.

     I have felt for years that the best thing the workers of the church can do is to equip parents who are burdened for the children with some practical ways to guide their children through this sensitive issue during their junior high, high school and college years.  Kids change drastically because of the opposite sex.  When they “fall in love” they become another kind of person instantly.  It's really something to see.  We hope to fellowship so that parents and those who work with young people can be on the same wavelength.  We definitely do not want to portray any methodology in raising our children.  All parents are different in background, culture and much more.  However, we'd like to share some general principles.

As parents, we must realize the likelihood that our children will fall in love

     It is inevitable that our children will fall in love.  This is a human function and we cannot stop it.  We can lecture the kids about it and tell them that they shouldn't get involved, but it happens anyway.  Sometimes I joke with my children while I'm talking to them, “One day you'll meet Oscar and boom, that's it.  You're wild about Oscar.”  Or vice versa:  “You will fall in love with Matilda out of the blue.”

Parents must recognize the power of the God-given drive

     Watchman Nee says that the drive for a mate, both the emotional attachment and the physical attachment, is God-given.  This desire occurred before Genesis three when man fell.  There is not one dirty thing about marriage and mutual attraction between sexes.  What has dirtied it is the paganism and especially the Roman Catholic Church whose influence is still upon us today.  The whole topic has been portrayed as dirty and filthy to the point that parents are afraid to address it with their children.  Yet Watchman Nee portrays courtship and marriage as so pure.  He likens this to someone's hunger.  You cannot tell someone, “Don't be hungry!”  Similarly, we cannot tell our kids, “Don't fall in love!”  (We will balance this thought later.)  The point is that it will happen with our children.

     Sometimes I have watched “Susie Lovely” in the church gatherings.  She is exercising her spirit in junior high and is so positive towards the Lord.  After six months she is buried in cakes of make up, her clothes have changed drastically, and she no longer wants to openly exercise her spirit because she is so embarrassed.  It is no longer “cool.”  The sex drive is powerful.  Every human being is looking for his or her counterpart.  The stage of puberty brings the onset of these changes in attitude, in behavior and in drive.  Today, we don't want our children to marry until they have completed their education, and for many this is well into their twenties.  Yet, if our children lived on the farm or in Amish country, they get married at fourteen or fifteen years old because it is time to find their match.  This is their particular society and the point is that the children are physically ready for marriage and emotionally they are geared for it.  The drive to find a mate is so strong.

     Why do we bring this matter up in this way?  Because up until the sixth grade, maybe seventh grade for most kids, they are so innocent and ignorant.  As parents we think, “My child will never have problems dealing with their sexual drives.”  But that is like saying, “My child will never be thirsty or hungry.”  The drive within them is real and their pursuit of a relationship will occur at one time or another.  This drive is actually a consciousness created by God making the child cognizant of others around them.  They feel like half a person.  They are looking for the other half.  They don't use this kind of terminology, but that is their consciousness causing them to begin to search and wonder, “Is it this person?  Is it that person?”  It's hard for us parents to remember back that far.  But it happened to us as well.  We searched whether this one was our match or that one was her match.  We cannot deny that it exists.  Being aware of such a God-given drive is a big step in properly addresses this matter with our children.  We will not be shocked, neither will we treat it like a plague; afraid to get near the subject.  Some parents are so afraid to get near this whole question that they pretend or convince themselves, “My child would never like someone or want to date someone or fall madly in love with someone.”  In our pretending, the children still fall in love and it progresses until it becomes a problem, which we must address after the fact rather than proactively.

     In the junior high and high school years our eyes have to be open.  Even the prayer around the table becomes critical because from one day to the next there are changes.  One day they say, “Lord Jesus I love you” and the next day they are dead silent.  We know then that something is bothering them or they are considering something.

     Another reason that it is more important for parents to deal with this issue rather than leave it to those who work with our young people in the church is because the parents know the child better than anyone else.  For instance, let's say Dennis is serving the young people.  Often, by the time he realizes that “Matilda” is dating “Oscar” it is too late.  She is already too far involved to render any real care or help.  A serving brother may share to ten, twenty, sometimes fifty kids at once in church meetings.  Occasionally, they can have a more intimate relationship with a few kids in between meetings.  But so many young people are left alone to their own devices and feelings without anyone watching closely to step in to help.  Usually these young people have gone quite far down the road before anyone notices.  Then we try to talk to them about “how to wait” and they have no interest listening to us.  The emotional attachment between couples grows strong.  It is like holding a starving person from available food.  They will find a way to get want they need.  They will get around many obstacles and barricades.  So the recognition by the family in the home becomes the primary arena to watch and pray for our young people.  We would like to fellowship here some principles to handle this issue once it is initiated in our children.

     This God-given drive has been perverted and corrupted.  It has become a filthy thing.  The problem comes when these two matters are put together:  the normal, human, God-created drive in a young person with a perverted understanding of why we have those feelings.  This is a perfect equation for sin.  The schools are flooded with perversion.  Television is flooded with corruption.  The whole society is ruined to the point that they make improper and illicit sexual behavior normal and acceptable.  The reasoning in society says, “If you don't date around, how will we know which mate is best?”  This is the common thinking today and the kids hear this kind of reasoning and talk day in and day out.  Then, our fallen nature looks for opportunity to indulge in the weakness of perversion and corruption.  The natural man enjoys hearing the reasoning that matches what we think rather than God's intention.

Continue with:  Dating - Properly Educating Our Young People

Another Excellent Resource: - Mollie Sorensen, - Book: The Forgotten Virtue - 22 Chapters

Additional Resources: www.OurSecondGeneration.com