Husbands
THE MARRIAGE LIFE:
THE HUSBAND'S RESPONSIBILITY
The following messages were given by Chuck Debelak in Detroit, MI in October 2000.
Husbands Assuming Responsibility as the Head
The Wife's need in her Emotions
Given to Your wife and Committed to Her
Loving Our Wives in the Way the Lord Loved the Church
Nourishing Our Wife and Cherishing Her
A Fellow Heir of the Grace of Life
As we share these messages on the husbands and wives, you all have to promise not to use them as a “club” to beat your spouse with. These messages are not meant to give you ammunition to harass and oppress your spouse. Please make a vow not to do this. So, sisters, the word for husbands is to the husbands, not you. Sisters have to close their eyes! And brothers, the word for the wives is to the wives, not you. You have to close your eyes.
Generally when we talk about marriage life, somehow the sisters get singled out and talked to. The message is simple: “wives submit.” But it is interesting to note that the Bible spends more time to admonish the husbands than the wives. The Bible very much focuses on the husbands' responsibility in the marriage life especially since this is a picture of God as the husband nurturing and preparing His church as the Bride of Christ. Therefore, we will begin our fellowship by concentrating on the husband's responsibility in the marriage life especially seen through the context of Ephesians 5:23-28, 31. Ephesians 5:22 does begin a section on marriage life with, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.” But the rest of the chapter parallels the marriage life and particularly the husband's role to the wife with the role of Christ to His church, His Bride.
Our pattern for marriage is the Triune God Himself! So whatever the Lord charges the husband to do is actually what Christ has already done. Whatever the Bible charges us to do, we have the person of Christ inside of us who lives that way. The Lord's relationship to the church is entirely spiritual, but it becomes the model for the husband's relationship with the wife.
Message Outline (Husbands)
Husbands love your wives by assuming your responsibility as the head of your wife and head of the family (Ephesians 5:23)
23 For a husband is head of the wife as also Christ is Head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the Body.
Husbands love your wives - indicating the wife's need in her emotions for security, care, and understanding. (Ephesians 5:25a)
25 Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her
Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her - indicating being given to your wife and committed to her for her entire well-being - her body, soul and spirit (Ephesians 5:25)
25 Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her
Loving your wife in the way the Lord loved the church and sanctified the church so that He may present the church to Himself glorious (Ephesians 5:25-26)
25 Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her 26 That He might sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing of the water in the word.
To Make Her a Perfect Help Meet
Paying the Price to Gain Her Submission
Loving your wife as you love your own body to nourish her and to cherish her - Ephesians 5:28-29
28 In the same way the husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his own wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ also the church
Being joined to your wife so that the two shall be one - Ephesians 5:31
31 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.
Being with your wife according to knowledge, assigning honor to her as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayer will not be hindered. - 1 Peter 3:7
7 Husbands, in like manner dwell together with them according to knowledge, as with the weaker, female vessel, assigning honor to them as also to fellow heirs of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
Husbands
Assuming Responsibility as the Head
Husbands love your wives by assuming your responsibility as the head of your wife and head of the family (Ephesians 5:23)
23 For a husband is head of the wife as also Christ is Head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the Body.
What does this verse mean to us as husbands and fathers? We should respond to such a verse with, “As the husband and father, this is my family. Just like Christ would look at His Body, at His church, and say, `This is my family.' I am going to do whatever I need to do to set a direction for my family that it becomes a healthy family physically, psychologically and spiritually. This is my responsibility as a husband, so I am not casual about it; it is not a part-time responsibility, but God gave me this wife and these children. This is my family; I am the head, and I am going to set the proper direction before the Lord.”
Our family becomes the center and focus of importance to us as husbands. It is more important than our career. When young people desire to get married I always like them to put off their marriage as long as possible. Why? I tell them as a person you should fulfill as much of your career desires as possible by getting as much education or training as you can. When you get married your priorities need to change. We are no longer primarily for our career and livelihood. As soon as you get married you have become the head of your household and it is your responsibility to take care of your family that it becomes the best you can possibly make it.
Our family bears the testimony of who we are! The husband sets the direction with the family, with the wife and children. Whether we like it or not, brothers, our family testifies to who we are: good or bad. This should change our attitude right away. If we are casual about our marital responsibility, “Well, whatever happens happens. The way my kids turn out and the marriage life turns out is not so much up to me.” This issues in a kind of reactive attitude. When there is a problem you react and do something. When there is a problem with the kids then you do something. This is reactive. But the Bible doesn't teach about reactions. The Bible says that the husband is just like Christ! Wow! The Lord's attitude is so different from being reactive. He looks at all of His believers and determines to do everything that they might bear the testimony of who He is. “I will die for them. I will suffer for them. I will give my life to them all for the purpose of gaining a testimony of who I am.” Husbands need to transfer this attitude to the marriage life.
The Lord in Ephesians 5:22 tells the wife to submit to her husband in a definite context: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord FOR a husband is the head of his wife as also Christ is the Head of the church.” Even when the Lord tells the wife to submit there is a context. For us to submit to the Lord as the Head is a realization, “No one in the whole universe wants the best for me as much as Jesus Christ. He is my Head.” So when things happen that we may not understand or seem abnormal or difficult, we realize that our life is in the Lord's hands and He knows what is best for us and He will produce what He wants in us. He's the top. So what do I do? I submit to Him because I know that He is the top. Thus the first qualification of the husband is to “take the reins.” The more the husband gives the sense of care for the family, love for the family, direction for the family and commitment to the family, there is something God-created within the wife that makes her want to stand with her husband. She feels that the family is going somewhere in the most positive sense. This also applies with the children. The children are always so proud of their dads particularly when the father has leadership and direction for the family. His spiritual attainment and knowledge is besides the point to them. They realize, “I know how much dad loves us. I know how much dad loves the family. I know how much dad is for the family. I know how much dad will do everything for the family.” Then automatically there is a submission that is brought into the rest of the family.
Sometimes we want our wife to submit and we want our children to submit, but subconsciously there is a shortage of leadership. The family will not articulate that, but it is like they are saying, “I need someone to follow. I need an atmosphere that is going forward, that is for something positive.” We often quote Joshua 24:15, “As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.” Who creates such a feeling? The kids cannot create it. Even the mother cannot create that kind of atmosphere in the family. This is the father's role: to take the headship and lead the family so that it bears some kind of testimony.
The Wife's Need in her Emotions
The
Wife's Need in her Emotions
Husbands love your wives - indicating the wife's need in her emotions for security, care, and understanding. (Ephesians 5:25a)
25 Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her
Why would the Bible tell the brothers to love their wives? Where is the wife's need? Their need is in their emotion. Brothers tend to just want people to get in line and shape up. When the decision is made everything should be clear and everyone should submit to the decision. When others have a different feeling, brothers tend to say, “What do you mean you feel different. Just do it.” This kind of attitude brings in conflict and the Bible speaks according to wisdom. God knows that the husband is not in the realm of love. He knows that men just want wives to shape up and do what their told without feelings. But where is the wife? She is full of feelings, implying her need of security. Husbands hate to rely on anyone, and we hate to give a hint that we might need something from someone else. We need a whole lot, but won't admit it. This tends to be the male constitution. But women are so different. God made them emotional with the need of security. God made them to need their husbands.
In Genesis three part of the curse after the fall in the garden of Eden was for the women to need her husband (Genesis 3:16). In other words God made women that way, even to desire within, “I need covering. I need protection. I need security. I need to trust someone.” This corresponds directly with Christ and the church. What do we need as the church? The Lord doesn't tell us, “You go fight Satan. Give it the old college try.” No, this causes us to faint and wither. The Lord doesn't tell us, “Be tough and face life.” Instead He sets the example by telling Himself to be tough and face life. He accomplished redemption for us. He, through His resurrection and ascension, became the High Priest to minister life to us. He is the lion of the tribe of Judah. And who are we? Wimps. “I need You, Jesus. Strengthen me, Jesus. Help me, Jesus. Without You, Jesus, I cannot make it.”
Imagine if the Lord would say to us, “You sissy. I went through death and resurrection for this? A wimp? Stand up and get with it!” No, he doesn't respond like this at all. He comes to us and says, “Is everything alright? Do you feel secure in Me? Remember I shed My blood to take care of your failures and shortages.” What a beautiful picture of the husband's role in marriage. The wife would not have any kind of sense that she is uncovered but would be secure with trust. The husband speaks consolation to her, “Dear, whatever you need in this marriage life, I am going to be for you. I'm going to stand for you.” This renders her a covering, a security and a trust. There is an understanding by the husband, “ This is my wife. She is emotional and full of feelings and thoughts. When I take the headship it is not as a general in the army. “Sweetie, get in line and follow orders!” No, there is love. How do I make my dear wife understand? I need to take care of her understanding. I need to take care of her feelings even to sense when she is afraid or worried or concerned. As the husband I must make her feel so loved, so covered, and so protected.” It is tragic, but we have all seen friends go through hard times or even divorce in their marriage, and many times it is because the wife has all kinds of needs, yet the husband in his role before the Lord doesn't address nor properly satisfy these needs.
I often tell young brothers when they get married, “If the wife is not inwardly happy, it is 100% the husband's problem.” And then I tell the wife, “If your husband is not so positive towards serving the Lord, toward his life as a whole, it's your problem, not his problem. If your husband is not growing in Christ and growing humanly, developing, burdened, laboring in Christ, this is the wife's problem.” (That is explained in the next message.) The happiness in the Lord, our loving of the Lord is because He is just so wonderful. Look how much He loves us. He's going to save us. He's going to help us to overcome and deal with all our problems. Oh, how we love Jesus! Who did this? Jesus did. And this is His model towards us when He says, “Husbands love your wives.” Husbands are to have that kind of love, to provide security, trust, care, and understanding, so that the wife's heart is at rest. This is the husband's role in marriage.
Given to Your Wife and Committed to Her
Given to Your Wife and Committed to Her
Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her - indicating being given to your wife and committed to her for her entire well-being - her body, soul and spirit (Ephesians 5:25)
25 Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her
The Lord said that He loves the church, but how? He gave Himself up for her! This is so touching. The Lord's model for everything in the human life is so wonderful. How many opportunities to experience Christ are lost because we do not know what Christ is after. Once we see the husbands relationship to the wife we say, “Lord Jesus, I need You. Only You live this way.” In this case in Ephesians 5:25, the Lord loves the church to the extent that He would give Himself up for her. In other words, the Lord will tell us and even we have had this experience: we go through a difficulty or hardship, and the Lord will always come to us and remind us that He also went through something like what we are enduring as a man. I am not asking you to do anything that I have not also gone through already. I gave Myself up for you. I could have just told you or ordered you to follow Me, but I didn't. I paid whatever price was necessary so that I would make sure you would be sanctified, you would have the life supply that would allow you to press on.”
Do we see this picture? This is the kind of commitment that a husband should give towards his wife. Whether it is concerning her body, we do whatever we can to ensure her health and strength. If it concerns her psychology, we consider her person holistically, emotionally, psychologically. The husband will consider whether she is doing okay after taking care of the kids all day or working. Is she growing humanly? Is she developing in her humanity? Is she happy, buoyant or pressured? Husbands will be watchful. This kind of commitment strikes at the heart of brothers because we tend to be absolute in an ethereal, mystical way, expecting the wives to “get in line and move” without any care for her feeling or condition. Very seldom we have the thought that it is my job as a husband to ponder her well-being psychologically. Sometimes it is very difficult to pinpoint where a woman is at psychologically. I think the Lord allows this for our growth. We may ask her, “Would you like this, honey?” And she retorts, “No!” Then we try again with, “How about this?” Again a sharp, “No!” We extend our last bit of loving kindness to ask, “Do you want to go somewhere?” until she rejects our latest proposal. Then we bark back with, “What do you want anyway?” This surely is not the Lord. No, the Lord will find a way to live His life through such a rebellious believer who does all kinds of things apart from Him. So the Lord tries one way and then another way and on and on with way after way. Why? Because He is committed to us. He is the husband and we are the Bride. Therefore, He doesn't say, “I'm going off to war the good warfare whether you like it or not and whether you can handle it or not.” No, He is watchful, considerate and thoughtful toward us.
Sometimes a brother seems, and may be, so positive for the church life and spiritual things, but there are all sorts of problems on the home-front. How can this be? Christ is not like this. Christ will not say, “I've got no time for the church in Detroit or Westland or Ann Arbor. I'm moving on. I'm going to Russia or Eastern Europe, and if you don't make it, too bad. You bunch of wimps.” No, He's a doting husband. “Is everything okay? Do you need anything? Oh, you don't look so happy.” His heart is so big towards His Bride just to make sure that she is being sanctified. And look how broad He is often times. He uses such a variety of ways because of our personalities, our educational backgrounds, and our cultural backgrounds to gain what He is after in us. He cares for our psychological well-being in so many ways. He might give us a trip away, a special gift just to make sure we are okay, refreshed, and revived. Many times these things are not spiritual at all, but so human. He may allow something to occur which we seemingly don't need, but it sure feels good, uplifts us and refreshes us to love Him again. He's a true husband to us.
Let's draw a parallel of the Lord's love as a husband to our own. Once we begin to exercise like this we begin to realize that there are lots of little things toward our wives that make her happy, satisfied, refreshed and willing to go on; things like flowers, a card, taking her to lunch, a phone call, a love letter. We're not promoting any of these things as “ought to dos,” because it always happens in different ways according to the Lord's leading. We find a way in our home with our wife to ensure her security, care and feeling that her husband would do anything for her. Finances are a big thing in marriage. Finances are the number one reason given for divorce, showing that everyone worries about money. We need to love our wife to the point that money never becomes an issue in our marriage. Sometimes she hints in a small way to buy a certain things, and we jump all over her. “Do you know how much that costs?” This tends to be a husband's response unless it is something for him. Can we touch the Lord's feeling and attitude towards us, His Bride? Brothers, do we create this same kind of atmosphere in our home? This demands a constant struggling before the Lord. Previously, we may never have even prayed for our wife unless in a dire emergency, but now we should pray all the day, “Lord, is there anything she needs? Anything physically? Anything psychologically? And anything spiritually?" We should surely care for our wives as good as if not better than we care for a new believer that we desire to see grow in Christ. We always ponder and consider if everything is okay.
It is normal for us to follow the Lord in such a practical way. Yet, do we see how easily we can veer from such a living? We can be for God and the church and completely miss opportunities the Lord gives us daily with our wives?
Loving Our Wives in the Way the Lord Loved the Church
Loving Our Wives in the Way the Lord Loved the Church
Loving your wife in the way the Lord loved the church and sanctified the church so that He may present the church to Himself glorious (Ephesians 5:25-26)
25 Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her 26 That He might sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing of the water in the word.
The Lord has a very ugly Bride. She is rebellious, unsubmissive, and contrary. Yet, the Lord says, “Well, we've got a job to do.” He doesn't walk into the situation and demand submission. “Don't you know what My Word says? Wives submit! The church should submit to Me.” No. That is not the way He works. His desire is to present the church glorious to Himself, so He does everything to make His wife perfect. Isn't this wonderful?
To Make Her a Perfect Help Meet
We are exactly the opposite. When young people get married it usually takes two to three months for them to come into shock. They thought they had married an angel and after three months they realize they married a devil instead. Maybe we made a mistake. Is it too late to back out? We start out believing that our spouse should be perfect, therefore, she should submit. Yet, God in His wisdom begins the other way around. “I married a mess.” That's us. God realizes that we are so contrary, so uncooperative and so unable to do anything right. So He will pay the price to do whatever He can to warm us, to comfort us, to cherish us, to encourage us, to strengthen us, and to support us in every way that He can. He will make His wife a perfect help meet, a perfect partner, a perfect vessel for God to indwell in order to manifest Himself in and through humanity on the earth to the entire universe.
The husband should look at his wife and ask, “What can I do that my wife and I can become so one, so harmonious, so loving.” Then I struggle to seek the Lord for ways to properly nurture my wife. Rather than pointing out shortages, we find ways to make up the lack. The Lord will cause us to pay whatever price to come alongside our wife, to sanctify her, to gain her trust and understanding, and to encourage her until the two of us become one. This is not something that we can demand of our wife. Many Christians go that route and become almost useless to the Lord as a family unit. Why? Because the husband is off visiting people while the wife may call some on the phone, but as a family there is no harmony or fragrance of Christ. When God puts a husband and wife together His purpose is that the two become one so there is a unit useful for His economy. Just consider the children. If we want them to grow up and have a healthy marriage, where is their pattern? We are. When they look at the father and see someone who is tender, kind, considerate, and thoughtful this leaves a big impression on our children. We fully recognize that we have made and will make lots of mistakes, but for a child to see daddy go to mommy and say, “I'm sorry” and see him do something special for her they are very impressed. On the contrary, no matter how much they see daddy serving the Lord or mommy serving the Lord, if something is wrong between their parents, this also gets inside of the children based on observation.
Paying the Price to Gain Her Submission
We don't ask the wife to submit as husbands, but we love them to the point that they desire to submit with their whole heart. That's worth repeating: don't ask your wife to submit. If she doesn't submit this means that you have not loved her to the point where she wants to submit. This is the pattern that the Triune God has established with us as His Bride and this is the meaning of the verses in Ephesians 5. He does not demand our submission, but He loves us until we give our whole life to Him willingly. He visits us again and again and again in order to find a way to gain our hearts.
Many brothers desire to love the Lord and serve the Lord and probably the topmost way is through the home with the family. There are the special gifts in the Body of Christ like evangelism, apostolic ministry, etc. but generally in the normal church life, the family is God's way to reach out to people. In the family life a husband does not have to struggle to do outward things, but has many interactions with Christ to create the proper relationship between him and his wife before the children. Our own wife becomes one of the people we pray for the most; not for her to change, but “Lord, how is my wife doing in Your eyes? Do I need to do something for her?” In this way, we will find out that the Lord will lead us often and in many kinds of ways.
When the Lord leads us by His life within, His leading always comes through human virtues. (see God Manifested in Human Virtues) It may surprise you as to how many admonitions there are in scripture to kindness, goodness, tenderheartedness, long-suffering, and patience. These are all human virtues. We think that to contact the Lord will produce spiritual activity. Our thought is that if the Lord leads us it would be to give a Bible verse to someone. If the Lord leads me it would be to give a song to somebody. If the Lord leads me it will drive me to preach the gospel to someone. These all may be true but these represent a vast minority of all the leadings in human virtues that the Lord will use. Actually our genuine, spirit-led contact of Christ will produce human virtues more times than not. For instance, our kindness to someone will minister more grace than a spiritual message to them. Our long-suffering by bearing others over a long period of time will minister more grace than a spiritual message to them. One example is a brother I knew who seemingly was setting the Lord and His interest aside for most of four years. His wife had some relatively severe psychological problems. For the children's sake and for his marriage's sake he had to do so many things for his wife to take care of her throughout that period of time. I realized within myself that this was the true meaning of being a brother in Christ and a husband before the Lord. He was not led to do things that were so-called spiritual, but he bore his wife in her infirmity until she might grow out of or overcome the difficulty. This process lasted four years! He couldn't go to many church gatherings that he desired to attend. Yet, He had leading from the Lord to stay home and take care of the children, so they would not become overbearing to their mother. He bore her in this way. He did not recite verses to get her to shape up. Today, both he and his wife are positively pursuing the Lord together with their children. Praise the Lord for this!
It is mainly by virtues like patience, long-suffering and bearing others, not by “spiritual things” that the Lord ministers His grace to others. When the Lord charges us to love our wives, this implies He leads us with all kinds of human virtues to love them. It doesn't mean that we have a verse for every different situation and condition they are in, but that we are seeking the Lord and His presence to make our family such a warm, harmonious, loving atmosphere. As we are before the Lord, His leading comes in many ways. One time I was trying to be revived in the morning with Christ, and my wife was teaching, getting her Master's degree, raising four children, and serving in the church. I began to pray, “Lord Jesus, I love You. I praise You.” I quickly had a feeling to stop my time with the Lord to clean the entire house before my wife woke up. I argued to myself, “I will, Lord, as soon as You and I have our time together. You know I need to get revived.” Yet, as I prayed and sought the Lord, there was nothing. It was as if the Lord was saying, “I will be with you when you clean the house.” It wasn't until I closed my Bible and closed my hymnal, got out the vacuum and dust cloths that I sensed the Lord's presence. The more I cleaned the house, the more I was filled with life. What is this? This is the Lord's leading according to virtue.
This kind of living goes against the fiber of our being and understanding in the natural realm because we are so religious. We act religious and display a pretense of spirituality while the Lord is human. To love our wives is to be virtuous. We may never be able to measure the impact in verses or hymns, but we are led by the Lord in all kinds of virtues such as tenderheartedness and forgiveness. The husband struggles before the Lord to insure that his wife feels so loved and happy. With wives, happiness is a good measuring stick. I am not advocating worldly happiness by buying her worldly things and having a lot of possessions. This does not make her happy in the long run. What makes a wife happy is her husband's love. This is also true with our children. To them material things are not the crucial matter. There are many wealthy families who give their kids everything you can imagine, but what do the kids play in? The boxes that all their expensive toys were packaged in. Material things are nothing in the long run compared to the assurance of our love towards them. This kind of love is realized by seeking the Lord, struggling before the Lord and getting the Lord's leading. Many times the leading is to do something virtuous. For instance, sometimes the Lord leads me to take my wife out, away from the kids, for an evening alone despite the cost of a babysitter and a meal. To follow the Lord's leading in this way produces an on-going assurance of love, security, care and understanding.
We struggle before the Lord not to lose the romance and the sweetness in our marriage.
Another key point in our marriage life is that husbands must struggle before the Lord not to lose the romance and the sweetness in the marriage. This is exactly what the Lord does with us. He does not love us for the first year and then get down to “business as usual” for God's interest! “We're going to carry out God's economy, right guys?” No. He remains tender, sweet, warm and romantic as revealed throughout the entire book of the Song of Songs. Sisters crave this kind of love while brothers usually can live without it. That is why this is such a genuine spiritual matter. We cold, heart-less brothers must have constant interaction with a loving Christ who can infuse Himself as love into our being, so we then can love our wives properly. Sisters crave the sense of being loved and the sense of knowing that they are loved. Again, we have the model of the Lord Himself being sweet and tender with us. Therefore, the romance needs to remain in marriage. The sweetness has to remain in marriage. You may say, “I'm not a romantic person.” Well, brothers, I don't know how the Lord will do it in you, but you have to seek Him to find the way that works with you.
All of this fellowship is the most spiritual and real. We are not sharing this to produce good marriages or good romances. No. We are for God's economy for Him to dispense Himself into all of His believers throughout the whole earth who comprise His Body. This economy will bring Him back. We are fighting that we would raise up the Bride of Christ to bring the Lord Jesus back! Yet with us there are huge holes in our family life, holes in our marriage life. We need to struggle that in the family life here in Detroit and in all cities bearing the Lord's testimony, the Lord would have so many vessels to reach out to others. My hope is to inspire all of us to seek Christ to have a family that He can use for His interest and purpose on the earth today. If we do not take this way of loving our wives, then eventually we will have no family life or vessel for the Lord to use. We will be demanding, and she will not submit willingly and joyfully as God intended. This indicates a lack of struggling before the Lord to make our wife happy, secure, understood and cared for. There is no oneness or harmony or union to serve the Lord together. Therefore, sweetness and romance are a necessary part of every marriage.
Nourishing Our Wives and Cherishing Her
Nourishing Our Wives and Cherishing Her
Loving your wife as you love your own body to nourish her and to cherish her - Ephesians 5:28-29
28 In the same way the husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his own wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ also the church
Just think how we take care of our bodies, brothers. When we feel cold, we put on a sweater to warm up. When we get a twinge of hunger we begin looking around for food. Any little discomfort and we are so quick to make an adjustment to accommodate ourselves. The Lord says that we should nourish and cherish our wife the same way that He nourishes and cherishes His Body and the same way we would take care of our own physical body. This implies an aggressive watchfulness. When only a small discomfort arises related to our body, right away we will run to the store or do almost anything to alleviate the need. Then the Lord says, “The same way you take care of your body, the same watchfulness and the same oversight, you watch for your wife in order to cherish and to nourish her.”
Cherishing is related to comfort. For instance, when people visit our homes we always try to make them feel comfortable. Nourishing is related to building others up physically, psychologically and spiritually.
This is a profound oversight that a husband has for his wife! If we could learn to have the oversight that Christ desires for our wife and our children, we would grow much in the Lord. There are so many things to consider before the Lord. We might say, “I don't know what to pray for.” Pray for your wife. Pray for your children. “Lord, today is there anything I should do or consider for my wife? Lord, today, is there any positive word I can speak? When she makes dinner what is the best way to encourage her.” We are always seeking the Lord for His leading that what we impart to our wife matches the way we would care for our own body.
Brothers, can we see the tremendous opportunities afforded by the Lord in our daily lives? Unfortunately with most of us we separate our church life from our home life. We've got the church life and meetings we attend on one side, and the rest of our life on the other side. And often the rest of our life is for us to do whatever we desire. We surely have matters backwards. Our church life should be an overflow of our daily life with our spouse and children. How should we know Christ? We should know Christ with our spouse. We should know Christ with our children. This becomes the riches of experiencing all Christ's virtues and this becomes the base of our church life. We are not for religious Christianity in which we go to church on Sunday and do many things in the name of God, but not according to God's economy. God's economy is that He would be manifested in the flesh, He would be manifested in our home, He would be manifested in our job, He would be manifested with our spouse and He would be manifested with our children.
For a husband to consider day after day concerning his wife will render many sensations from the Lord for her. “Lord Jesus, what is needed?” We will experience how human the Lord can be and how human the Lord wants to be.
Being joined to your wife so that the two shall be one - Ephesians 5:31
31 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.
This indicates the depth of communication and coordination we should attain to with our wives. The Lord put husbands and wives together so that we would eventually be one. When we are first married, we are filled with romantic love, but are not very one. The first few years of marriage cause us to see how different we are. Over time, the Lord wants to continually make us one and the responsibility falls on the husband. The Lord desires that there would be such close fellowship and communication that the two minds become one. This takes a lot of time.
We see the differences in every area of how we look at things: raising the kids, our background, our goals, our administration of authority, etc. What will bridge the gap? Communication week by week, month by month, year by year. Communication brings our spouse to the same place we are, in appreciation and in understanding and eventually in operation. We cannot just force our own way, but we must learn to communicate in order to become one.
A crucial area of communication is concerning our children. We need to learn to speak the same thing to the children. We may differ in philosophy, but the children see a united front from their parents. There will surely be a lot of necessary conversations behind closed doors because of our differences. When our wife disagrees and speaks her mind, we need to learn to listen and communicate with her until she sees our point of view (assuming we were right before the Lord because many times we are not). Often husbands feel their supremacy has been challenged when our wife “dares” disagree. No, brothers, we need to seek Christ and learn from Christ to communicate until the oneness is attained.
There is a lot of give and take in marriage. It is usually harder for the husband to take than the wife. She often will just be silent when we rant and rave about getting our way, using our physical advantage and louder voice as weapons. However, this will never produce the true oneness in any matter. On the other hand, we struggle together to communicate with the view that we will become one in Christ. This provides a unit, one unit, for the Lord's use. Communication is exciting because it is so versatile. We just find ways and times to talk; sometimes over dinner, sometimes on a walk, sometimes while doing housework together. We always endeavor to maintain and advance the line of communication between us to produce the genuine harmony in our marriage for Christ's sake.
The issue of such communication is proper coordination. Brothers, according to God's ordination in His creation, a wife desires to serve her husband. This is not a chauvinist claim. A woman wants to follow her husband's lead in Christ, but not necessarily according to the way we are. She is constituted to submit and follow her husband. God made her this way. Similarly, we were all made to serve God according to creation. But we all need a lot of persuading. From the time we received Christ, God wanted us to serve Him with all of our heart. Wow! He surely has a lot of work to persuade us! He needs to demonstrate patience and utilize different environments all for the purpose of gaining our hearts and our lives to serve Him. Little by little we get to know Him more, we coordinate with Him a little bit more, and we have more feeling about what He desires and what He does not desire. We become more useful. God's psychology toward us is the same as the husband's toward his wife. "I need to labor with my wife to develop communication and to develop coordination to the point my wife desires to serve me in my service of the Lord." It is not a pressure to her. It is not overwhelming for her. It is not a demand that she can't fulfill. It's a team. What I have added to what my wife has works together to carry out the responsibility I have as a man and husband before the Lord. This happens based on mutual communication and coordination of my wife and I before the Lord so He can use us as a family.
A Fellow Heir of the Grace of Life
A Fellow Heir of the Grace of Life
Being with your wife according to knowledge, assigning honor to her as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayer will not be hindered. - 1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in like manner dwell together with them [the wife] according to knowledge, as with the weaker, female vessel, assigning honor to them as also to fellow heirs of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
The main focus here is unhindered prayer in order to carry out God's economy. My whole perspective is that my family would be useful to the Lord as a channel to reach out to others and as a unit of blessing for the Lord's use. So as I consider my wife, she is my fellow heir of the grace of life! We pursue the Lord in the same way with the same burden. We pray together. We struggle together to accomplish what the Lord is after. The husband's role is to dwell with his wife in such a way that she will become his helper, his coworker in Christ, his partner.
Without such a heavenly vision, there isn't such a need to take care of our wives. But once we desire to serve the Lord and have our family become useful to the Lord, one of the greatest matters before us is the condition of our wife. We inherit grace together, meaning that our family is a haven of grace, a receptacle of grace, which exudes the fragrance of God in our home. When we labor with people, they do not so much need our preaching, but a living example of the presence of Christ. If we only desire help with our marriage we can buy book after book for hints and suggestions, but if we desire to serve the Lord and become a vessel useful for His purpose, we must learn to seek Him for our wife's sake. Without God's economy in view we will never have the motivation to struggle before the Lord on behalf of our wife. We will react to her lack of willingness, we will get angry at her refusal to submit, and we will never match Christ's exercise for His church as we described earlier in this message. But when we see God's economy, that He desires my family as a vessel for His purpose to reach others and manifest Himself, then we will never settle for a lack of harmony with our wife or family. We will constantly seek the Lord to satisfy her need so that we become fellow heirs of the grace of life. My wife and I become one in our service to the Lord.
I knew a leading brother who had been frustrated with his wife for twenty years because she seemingly is worldly and not consecrated. Recently I asked him whether he believed the Lord gave him his wife. He responded, “Of course.” I said, “Brother, if she is not cooperative it is your fault!” He was upset with me, but I spoke the Word of God to him. Eventually, I asked him, “How do you know that the Lord didn't give you this particular wife because He may not want you to serve Him according to your concept?” He had a peculiar concept of what it meant to serve Christ, and she couldn't fit his mold of serving. She would drag him down and wouldn't cooperate in his desire to be well-known and manifested before others. “Brother, is it possible that the Lord gave her to you in order to prepare you for His return according to His desire and not yours? Maybe no one will appreciate you. Maybe no one will remember that you helped them in the Lord's name. Yet, the Lord desires for you and your wife to enter the kingdom of God in the coming age together. So the Lord assigned you a wife that would break your concepts and force your to your knees to pray and seek Christ thousands of times.”
Many parents have this same attitude with their children. One brother came to me concerning his son who left home and refused to talk to him. I told him to drop all of his serving in the church and to spend time to gain his son back. He did. For a whole year he sought the Lord tearfully and consistently on behalf of his son. Praise the Lord, their relationship was healed and the son returned home. We should see our wives in the same light: we must seek the Lord constantly for her to gain her as a counterpart and partner in our service to Christ. God is not after some thing, but after His work in our lives. Brothers, the Lord is preparing us for His return and He will use our wife as a primary element in our transformation and preparation by training us in the Spirit to cherish our wife and to nourish our wife so that we become fellow heirs of the grace of life. Then the two of us can pray together. For many this is a pathway to being perfected by the Lord. We may not be used by the Lord in some big way, but our children will be blessed and our wife will surely cooperate and coordinate. When we do have to serve the Lord and be away from home, the husband must take much care to make sure that his wife is a fellow heir of the grace of life with him, a partner. They are so close and intimate, working together, so that even the wife sends the husband with the Lord's grace. She will not say, “I'm losing my husband because of this serving to God!” Instead, she will be free to allow her husband to serve more. The husband must endeavor to produce the harmony in the home.
We
do not endorse the books that speak about quantity and quality time
with our spouse and kids. No, we take the Bible as the Word of
God. Once we are a God-seeker for our wife and a God-seeker for
our children, the Lord knows exactly how to raise our children. Once
we seek Him, the kind of pathway He will walk us through begins with
our wife and with our children, so that our family life becomes the
base of our serving life.
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Portion - The Wife's Responsibility
Name Last modified Size Description
Parent Directory -
01 Chuck Speaks to Husbands E032.mp3 21-Oct-2008 10:22 3.4M
Eph5-Testimony.htm 29-Jan-2009 11:34 5.5K