Dating - Properly Educating Our Young People

The following was taken from messages given by Chuck Debelak in Anaheim, California, March 1998.

     Properly educating our children

     When our kids go to school they incessantly hear all kinds of talk, which perverts the God-given drive in them.  “Everybody's doing it.  Why aren't you?”  One time a boy was teased for being gay because he didn't date.  This became a real frustration to this boy and he began to argue with his parents.  “You keep on telling me not to date and to wait for God's timing and now everyone is accusing me of being a homosexual.”  The fact was only a few kids teased him, but this demonstrates how strong the psychology is to justify the sin “crouching at our door.”  

     The best way to help our children is not to merely say, “no.”  We must give them an education.  We need to give them the proper moral reasoning concerning this matter so that they choose not to get involved.  They learn how to deal with their very real feelings.  The feelings exist and they need to be educated to the point that they can say, “Okay.  I understand why I feel this way.  I understand that it is not evil to be looking for a mate, but is from God.  This is normal.”  Then, of course, we have to help them to properly deal with their feelings.  The kids are asking, “What do I do with these feelings?  Why did God give me such feelings if I have to wait?”  This is just like hunger in relation to being overweight.  You can't just stop eating, but you can change your diet with some proper education.  We learn that we will not starve to death by lowering our caloric intake and exercising a little more.  Sometimes the feelings are strong that we will “die” but these go away when there is a proper education backing up our living.  We change by education not by stopping the inherent drive.  We learn to discern what we will chose and what we will not chose.  

     Our goal is to properly educate our children so that they themselves will make the healthy, positive choices.  The key is for them to willingly chose and make the wise choice.  I have noticed that when the kids understand their feelings and they understand how to handle their feelings, they can handle themselves by not wanting to get involved with the perverted and corrupt things, but to wait for God's timing.  This may surprise you, but it works.  When I first learned that many Christians encourage their children not to date my first thought was, “You are nuts!  There is no such thing.”  My background was the world and a religious Christianity without such a strict view.  Honestly, when the kids are infused with the proper reasoning they willingly chose to put off the boy-girl relationship in order to preserve themselves for their marriage.  The reasoning is powerful and when the reasoning is proper in their mind they make the proper choices willingly.

The Knowledge, the Understanding and the Perspective that We Hope to Infuse into our Young People's Minds

What do we want our children to think when it comes to dating and marriage?

Our children should know that we as parents understand that their feelings are normal

     When our children are confident that we as parents understand what they are going through especially that their feelings are normal becomes a big plus in guiding them.  They actually get relieved.  Why? Because this whole realm has become “dirty.”  A lot of the negativism and so-called dirtiness comes from the teaching of the Catholic Church making the whole realm related to marriage and sex as something dirty.  When the kids find out that we understand that their feelings are not dirty, but normal, they are so relieved.  Imagine being taught and listening to peers who mainly consider the realm of sexuality and marriage as something dirty, yet you have to have a boyfriend or you have to have a girlfriend, this confuses the kids.  It's like suppressing someone from not eating.  They will circumvent your attempts to keep them from food and find a way to get it.  When we tell them that eating is wrong, they will hide it from us because we make it dirty, but they will find another way.  This matter of girl-guy relationships enters the same realm.  The young people know that there are many aspects of dating that are not right.  They see their friends getting pregnant or dumped after going too far.  So they place the whole matter into a negative context.  

     So kids sublimate their true feelings.  They will hide their feelings from everyone else because it's “dirty” in their minds.  One of the first things they must know from us as parents is that we understand that they have such feelings and that there is nothing wrong with them.  Immediately this takes the matter of dating out of the “dirty” realm or something that must be suppressed or hidden from others.  I've watched kids who can openly express their feelings feel so relieved.  Many times after I have shared in a gathering, young people with come up to me and ask, “If I like somebody, this is normal.”  I tell them, “Yes, this is normal, but now what should you do with your feelings?”  To understand themselves becomes a big relief.

The young people need to understand why they have such strong feelings

It is a relief to the young people to find out that God made them to have strong feelings for the opposite gender in the context of finding their match for life.  Formerly they had the understanding that their feelings and all that relates to them are a dirty thing.  Now they realize that when they have a desire for a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it is something according to how God made them.  I usually use Genesis chapter 2 and show how Adam was looking for his other half, his counterpart.  And Eve, in the same way, was never complete until she found her partner in Adam.  That describes the searching process of young men and women, looking for their partner.  God gave them these feelings.  This relieves them.  The feelings of searching and yearning are actually created by God.

The young people must also understand that those feelings are reserved for the top relationship that two human beings can have; that is marriage.  One time my son argued with me, “Dad, if I am not supposed to date until I'm ready to be married, why did God give me such strong feelings?  How come I want a girl friend?  Why do I want to go out on a date?  Why didn't God delay these feelings until I am twenty-four and I've completed my education and I'm fully ready to find a spouse?  Why does He give us these feelings when we're thirteen years old?”  Usually I resort to the healthy reasoning to address such questions.   In any matter, the higher the value, the longer the delay before the gratification.  If we want an Associates Degree we only need to spend two years in college, but that is the kind of field and salary we can expect.  If we want a four-year degree we need to spend four years for a higher education with more financial potential.  To obtain a Master's degree or PhD degree requires much more time for those professions.  Any kind of lasting, profound gratification comes through a long process of setting aside the temporary enjoyments for the greater goal.  

To win a gold medal in the Olympics is a classic example of this.  A young girl, Shannon Miller, was interviewed by Time magazine.  They were somewhat risqué in their approach, “So, you're fifteen and in the Olympics, but let's face it, have you ever had a boy friend?”  She said, “No.”  Then they continued, “Have you ever been to a party on the weekend?”  She said, “No.”  They asked, “Did you ever go out with a group of girls and guys to a dance?”  She said, “No.”  And they ended with “Don't you feel deprived?  Didn't you miss out to make such a sacrifice?”  She responded, “Are you crazy?  I've traveled over the whole world.  I have won gold metals.  Why would want a stupid boy friend in place of that?”  When young people here these kinds of stories it appeals to their rational reasoning.  It just makes sense.  There is something higher as a goal so we set aside the less valuable things like parties and boys or girls until a later time.  I have something more that I want:  I want my future marriage to be a wonderful relationship.  Why would I cheapen it by being with this person and then another person, tainting my future marriage? because of all the other guys or girls they went out with.  The kids respond according to good logic:  since marriage is the most wonderful feeling, I realize that when those feelings come I need to do something else with them.  I don't want to squander them, I don't want to waste them prematurely, but I want something higher:  a wonderful marriage.

Children have to receive a Strong Definition of the Beautiful, Meaningful and Fulfilling Marriage Life

This is along the same line as before.  The young people pursue their marriage life as an Olympian pursues the gold metal.  They have the feeling, “Wow!  I want my marriage to be like that!”  Let me give three general matters concerning this point:

     Marriage is psychologically secure

If a young person marries someone who has dated five or ten people, “gone steady” and “broken up” a few times, how much can they trust one another?  How can we have the assurance that just as they spouse broke up with several people in the past that they will not also break up the marriage?  This is one reason so-called “pre-nuptial agreements” came into being.  Again, this shows the perversion and corruption that the world and society bring in to God's pure creation.  This realization always touches the young people.  We demonstrate to them the consequences of casual dating:  to enter into such relationships before marriage damages psychological security.  There is no comfort and assurance that the person they married is absolutely for them and no other.

The most positive aspect of trust in a relationship is that the husband will love, care and protect the wife at all costs.  From the wife's side, she supports, loves and submits to a her husband willingly.  These two sides produce the most beautiful relationship known to mankind.  Young people aspire to this kind of relationship.  Something in their own God-given humanity tells them, “Man, I want a marriage like that!”  And they need to hear this.  When our children hear the age-old questions, “Who are you going to the party with?  Do you have a date for the Prom?  Don't you have a boy friend yet?”  Outwardly they may have to speak a certain way to avoid unnecessary teasing from their friends.  Inwardly they have a determination not to do those things for the greater value in their marriage.  They can honestly tell themselves, “I've got something better worth waiting for.”

     Marriage is psychologically strong

In a marriage, the husband and wife are one another's strength.  The husband will do anything for his wife and the wife will do anything for her husband.  But if they have dated around and developed insecurities in other relationships they will always have a doubt as to whether their spouse will leave them someday.  It is tragic to watch young people date and break up once, twice or several times.  If we want to give our whole life to a particular person, how do we know that they won't also break up with us?  

     Marriage is ever developing

When two people love one another we care about one another's development as a human being.  We promote one another and strengthen one another.  We reject any kind of feminist notion that a relationship is 50-50.  No way!  Relationships are 100% on both sides for both parties.  Husbands are not in the stereotypic role of provider coming home and putting his feet up on the chair for the wife to serve him.  No.  He may need to help with the laundry or cleaning.  He may change the diapers.  The husband and wife are two people living as one.  And this relationship progresses lifelong.  There is growth and development and mutual support.  Young people respond in their God-given humanity to such a beautiful, meaningful, fulfilling relationship.  Even their God-given humanity longs for such a relationship.

     Marriage is financially secure

Unfortunately, there are many anti-testimonies to this.  Many have fed their dating life to the point that it is too late despite the fact that you may only be seventeen or eighteen.  To marry prematurely usually means that you have not finished your education.  A much more serious problem is that you have little financial backing and foundation for a relationship.  Finance is the number one reason given for divorce.  Couples who lack the financial resources eventually fight each other rather than work together, issuing in divorce.  A healthy marriage is when both parties only care for each other.  They are not distracted by the debts nor the financial pressures incurred by the other.  They positively pursue life, not worrying whether the husband can support the family or not.  It is common for couples to work split shifts.  One watches the kids while the other works.  Many times this ends tragically because the relationship is broken apart due to financial pressure.  These kinds of cases come about because people prematurely allow the feelings and emotions to get carried away.  Then they suffer for a long time.

It is so sad to hear of these kinds of tragic relationships, but it is worse when we see them firsthand.  One young couple married too young and ended in divorce.  Why?  They married too young.  He had to go to back to school to finish his education.  She had a low paying job to support him.  Eventually they are fighting over money.  She was angry after a time because she was forced to support the man who said he would support her financially.  Children are out of the question because they are barely making it.  The pressure builds until after four or five years, they break apart.  

The young people need to hear these kinds of stories.  We need to point it out to them.  We are not trying to be judgmental toward others, but have to present the facts in a frank way to our children so they are not mislead.  We should educate them, “It is almost definitely a fact that if you push your feelings and emotions prematurely you will end up without financial security and financial comfort.  Do you want to live day by day without any security of knowing whether the bills can be paid or not?”  There are too many cases supporting the principles we are speaking about here.

     We want to marry someone with whom we can serve the Lord together our whole life

This is the highest purpose for marriage.  If both parties in the marriage have to work in order to make ends meet, who are they going to serve?  They can't even serve themselves when they are not financially secure and psychologically secure.  For example, if the husband and wife cannot trust each other, how can they have anyone else over to their house for dinner?  They will end of fighting all the time even in front of their guests.  It takes a certain level of maturity along with a certain amount of progress in their human life for a husband and wife to serve the Lord.  It is just beautiful when the human things are “under your feet” to a certain degree and the home is open to others.  Families who love the Lord together and serve the Lord together are so attractive to others.

Continue with:  Dating - Feelings And "Being In Love"

Another Excellent Resource: - Mollie Sorensen, - Book: The Forgotten Virtue - 22 Chapters

Additional Resources: www.OurSecondGeneration.com