Between the two persons in the family, there must be confession and forgiveness. Many mistakes need to be confessed, not just ignored. Do not be careless about your own faults; you must always confess them. As for the faults of the other party, you must forgive them.
When a Christian does something wrong, the basic principle is to not cover it up. It is not enough to just repent for it. When a Christian does something wrong, the basic principle is to confess. A Christian does not cover up or turn away from a sin; this is not enough to be called a Christian. When a Christian does something wrong, he must confess and say, "I was wrong in this." Every wrong must be confessed. Whenever there is any wrong between the husband and wife, there must be confession. One must acknowledge, "I have done wrong."
You confess when you are wrong. But what happens when the other person is wrong? You have to treat it the same way that you treat all Christian relationships. When there is any wrongdoing, learn to forgive. Do not delve into the matter and do not be vindictive. Love does not take account of evil. This means that it does not remember the sins of others. Learn to forgive them before the Lord. Once you forgive, you should forget. You have to lay aside what you have forgiven. Do not be like Peter, who tried to count the number of times others offended him (Matt. 18:21-22). As long as you are counting, you are not forgiving. Real forgiveness does not count the number of times one forgives. As soon as you forgive, the matter is over. In order for a family to go on, there must be forgiveness.
When a family has a problem, it must try to solve it first by calling a family meeting. In some cases one should forgive. In other cases one should confess. It is difficult for a third party to settle disputes within a family. The disputes between two persons are most easily solved between themselves. When a third party is involved, the situation becomes complicated. We should try to settle any dispute in as simple a way as possible. Do not look for complicated solutions. Referring a dispute to a third party is like adding mud to an injured leg. An injured leg without any mud is easily treated. But when mud is added, it is hard to deal with the wound. Disputes between two persons are more easily solved when a third party is not involved. As soon as a third party is informed, the problem is complicated. Therefore, a couple should learn to solve their own problems and should not try to inform a third party about it.
However, sometimes one needs to refer a certain matter to the church. Please remember that a person should not bring the matter to the church alone. The husband must seek the consent of the wife and vice versa before they can bring their dispute to the church. The two persons must have exhausted their means of handling the situation, and they now want the church to step in to help them. They should not come with their quarrels, but as those who are seeking help from the church. Both must come, and both must speak. Suppose both are willing to come to the church and say, "We are Christians. There is something between us. We would like the church to point out what is wrong." One will tell the church how he feels, and the other will tell the church how she feels as well. When both do this, it is easy for the church to step in to solve the problem. This is not an occasion for vindication. It is not the time for each person to expose the other's faults. Neither is it a time to get into a brawl. The purpose of telling the church is for both parties to sincerely discover where the problem lies.
In order to settle family problems and to have a good family life, there is also the need of positive influence. In particular, families with children should set aside a time for prayer together, a time for waiting upon the Lord and for fellowshipping about spiritual matters. Both the wife and the husband should be open to judgment from God's light concerning many matters. Neither the husband nor the wife should try to save his or her "face." Both should be willing to come under the judgment of God's light. There should be many spiritual transactions in the family. The members of the family should spend much time in prayer and spiritual fellowship together. This is especially true for families with children. They must seek opportunities to come more often to the Lord. In order for a family to go on properly, the husband and the wife should both live before the Lord. As soon as they do not live before the Lord, their family will have problems.
I have mentioned twelve items. I hope that you will learn these lessons in the family. Do not be careless or foolish in these matters. If you do not learn your lessons well, family problems will soon become church problems. If a man cannot live together with his wife at home and cannot be one with her, he can never be one with the brothers and sisters in the church. This is a fact. A person cannot possibly fight at home with his wife and come to the church with hallelujahs in his mouth. One can only be a good brother in the church when he is a good husband and father at home. A good church life is maintained through good families. The husbands have to be good and the wives also have to be good. Then the church life will be free of problems.